If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF

I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak