I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's gonna be up all night

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were

You can't have everything. Where would you put it

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five